For some great book recommendations about teens and dating, check out this post.
Message notes - how to be a dating trainwreck:
1. See dating as a way to fill an empty part of your life or as a way to “fix” something that’s wrong.
- This is something most teens do without realizing - it's tied to self-esteem and fitting in - teens date young so they believe they are worth dating and/or because peers are dating
- This can hurt the person they are dating when they date for the wrong reasons, and can hurt them after a breakup because they go back to feeling empty or broken.
- Bottom line: we need to become the kind of person we want to date BEFORE we turn to someone else.
2. Don't think of time or the future as something to consider.
- Don't date someone if you can see it ending - dating is about finding the right person, not just wandering aimlessly through life
- When you know that a relationship isn't going anywhere, end it sooner than later - dragging it out wastes your time and theirs and makes the breakup much harder!
- "Dating without the intention of marriage is like going into a grocery store without any money. You either leave angry or take something that isn't yours."
- Don't worry about dating when you are younger - enjoy time with your friends! Leave dating for when you are mature enough to handle a real relationship because otherwise you risk getting yourself into the rut of unhealthy dating practices.
3. Jump in head first, feet first, stomach first.
- Imagine a bad belly flop or someone literally flipping head over heels - ouch!
- Guard your heart and pace yourself! Don't move too fast even if you are excited.
- Throwing out cheap 'I love yous,' planning your future wedding, and telling someone (in real life and online) how much you care about them day in and day out gets cheesy, creepy and awkward when it happens too soon. Enjoy the early part of a relationship for what it is (like the butterflies and not farting in front of each other yet)! Don't push someone away because you are desperate to be in a serious relationship. Saying "I love you" a week into things might seem romantic to you but is probably pushing them away.
- learn the difference between infatuation and true love.
4. Model your relationships on what you watch on TV or listen to on the radio or see on the Internet.
- Beyond the obvious advice of not using Rhianna or Cosmo/Playboy as your dating role models
- When we're drowning in a sea of mixed media messages, it's easy to let some of those values influence our beliefs and decisions
- One big one is the stereotype that women are crazy, mean and irrational because men are stupid, dense and don't care about feelings. This leads to both genders justifying bad behaviour and not conisdering honest communication in a relationship. Bad news!
- Don't be passive aggressive selfish, or react with your gut instead of your head. Don't be a caricature. Be a real person - sincere, honest, and caring.
5. Believe that Jesus is outdated and doesn’t have anything to do with dating.
- The Bible has some great love advice that even non-Christians use in weddings and elsewhere! (see below)
- But being a fan of what's in the Bible isn't enough - God wants a relationship with us, not just fans.
- Humans are created to reflect God's glory, and we are created to show and accept love. This helps us understand just how much God loves us!
- Unfortunatly, we are sinners and therefore we reflect God poorly - including how we show love. People see Christians who hate gay people or mindlessly argue about evolution or are judgemental and legalistic and don't see the love God intented us to show, so they assume that's how God love works too.
- To learn about God's love we must turn to the Bible and to the life of Jesus to show us true love - which is best shown in Jesus's life and death for us.
- Healthy love in friendships, families, and relationships reflects the sacrificial and gracious love of God.
Passage of Focus - 1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Discussion Questions:
- What jumped out at you in the message?
- Were any of the “Trainwreck tips” new advice to you? Do you agree with them? Why or why not?
- How can viewing a relationship as a way to fix someone/something unhealthy? How could that view impact a relationship?
- Why is it important to consider the future when we date? What do you think is a good age to start thinking about dating? Why might dating at a young age not be a good idea?
- What might some of the consequences be when a relationship moves too fast?
- What are some of the ways the media portrays relationships, romance and love?
- Why is it important to turn to people for advice, instead of learning from the media?
- In what ways has the media impacted your outlook on relationships?
- Have you ever considered that God created us to love before? How might that belief impact your life?
- What is the danger of people loving each other poorly when they claim to follow God?
- Why is Jesus’ death so significant when we think about love and marriage?
- The Bible likes to compare Jesus’ love for us to a bride and groom. In what ways is Jesus’ love for us like a groom’s love for a bride?
- Is it enough to be a fan of Jesus and go to church? Why or why not?
- What does Jesus want our relationship with Him to be like? What are some keywords to describe a strong relationship with God?
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